IIIIIIIIII FOLLOW THE ARMIDILLOS!
by Wystaen
Summary: Hee hee, changed the title again, all who care will have 2 remember my username. CHAPTER 2 fixed!! Some (make that a lot) slash. Sorry if some ch. are screwd up will try to fix them. please review. Death to the evil pool balls!
1. Flashing Lights

A/n: this is my first LOTR story, sorry if it's bad writing, I haven't much skill. Plus it's only my 3rd story written by choice. I have a happy mind thought, that at lest makes it an interesting story.  
No I do not like merry, hobbits have hairy feet.  
Note: don't own people, would feel bad for them if I did. Sorry if they out of character.  
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Set after ROTK and middle-earth is a bit more revolutionized. Don't ask for reasoning of things, if it happens then it just does. Sorry if not accurate, didn't finish ROTK  
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Amber fell back onto her bed and stared up into the eyes of Merry. Of course it was only a poster of Dominic Monaghan, but same thing.  
Looking up dreamily, she muttered, "Tula lle a'maelamin."(A/n: come to me oh beloved one, or something like that. I don't know sindarin 2 well)  
With a blinding flash, someone suddenly appeared before her.  
"Where am I? Oh never mind. Stand back evil one, or I will let my arrow loose, and you would not like that." Legolas threatened even though he couldn't see anything due to the little green spots dancing around in his eyes.  
"No! I don't want you!" Amber cried after she realized what had happened. The elf just stared at her. She stared back.  
So then with another blinding flash, now there were blue dancing spots, Legolas disappeared.  
Whoa, that was freaky, Amber thought. Hmmmmm. let's experiment with this. Elvish words bring elves, so normal words bring hobbits.  
Feeling extremely stupid, Amber stood up and muttered, "Come to me, oh beloved one."  
Another blinding flash, and then a very vigorous hobbit appeared before her wearing only pants and a leather vest.  
"So, how do you like that, my lord?" Merry whispered seductively, starting to remove his vest.  
"Ve-ver-ry much." Amber replied, extremely shocked.  
Then there was much screaming. "You-you're not Eomer." Merry stuttered, noticing that he was very scantily clad for a hobbit, having lost his vest somewhere during his hysterical screaming. "I must return to my divine Eomer."  
"Wait! You can't go!" Amber screamed grabbing Merry's arm, she had some very interesting plans in mind for this hobbit.  
Once again, there was a great big flash of light and they appeared in a bedroom. With a bed in it.  
Which had Eomer in it.  
  
Who was wearing not very much also.  
"Um, Merry? Should we continue this sometime later? You seem preoccupied," Eomer noted as he stared at Amber who was attached to Merry's arm. 

"Well, I'm not quite sure."

"Well, later would probably be a better time. Anyways, we should probably get going."  
"Yes my lord, I believe that there might happen to be dinner in a couple of minutes."  
"Very good, let us go." Eomer promptly got off the bed and walked into the hall.  
"Yes, my lord. And my lord, I may I suggest putting all of your clothes on?"  
"Oh, why thank you for reminding me, darling Merry."

Eomer walked back into the room and after a few minutes of confusion and looking for lost articles of clothing, he started to leave the room again.

"What about me?" Amber asked.  
"You? Oh, come along." Eomer entered the hall yet again, although fully clothed this time.  
The three walked on down to the great hall.  
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As they entered the great hall, nearly all of the other guests were already there and turned to look at them.  
"Welcome, Merry and Eomer, so you have come down at last." Aragorn stood and greeted the newest arrivals for like the millionth time. Damn, he thought, my legs hurt, I've said this over a million times, and there appear to be little black dots chasing me. I wonder who's free tonight?  
"And who might this mysterious lady be?" He asked, thinking _she looks free_.  
"Amber, your, um, highness?" she replied, totally in shock.  
"Well then Amber, welcome to Gondor, would you like to join our dinner?"  
"Sure." Amber was then shown a seat between Gandalf and Frodo.  
All was going well at dinner, at least for the first five minutes, when Amber turned to Aragorn to compliment the food and found he wasn't there.  
"Excuse me, Gandalf? Where is the king?"  
"The king, what king?" Gandalf asked Amber, clearly uncomfortable.  
"You know, the one who sat on the big chair at the end of the table, named Aragorn?"  
"Ah, him. Well he's, um…" Gandalf paused to think, "not in his chair?"  
"Okay, and those aren't rats making that scuffling noise under table right?"

"Scuffling noise, what scuffling noise? I don't hear any noise. Those aren't noises, they're…sounds."  
"Ah, I see." Amber said.  
Minutes later, the scuffling had changed to moaning and Amber noted that a certain dark-haired elf was also missing.  
"Well, Miss Amber, how are you liking Gondor?" Frodo asked her loudly, trying to cover the noises from under the table.  
"Well, it's um, nice and um, very interesting," she yelled back.  
"That's good. It is very interesting, have you been in Middle-Earth before?" Frodo was screaming by this time.  
"NO, IT'S MY FIRST TIME!"  
"WELL YOU SHOULD VISIT OTHER PLACES LIKE THE SHIRE, AND ROHAN, AND RIVENDELL. THEY'RE REALLY NICE!"  
Even yelling at the top of their lungs the dinner guests could not block out the couple underneath the table, but they could try. And try they did.  
After nearly an hour of, um, interesting activities, Aragorn appeared in his chair, hair disheveled and clothing rumpled. The rest of the guests just stared at him, red-faced and hoarse.  
"Well," Gandalf started, trying to break the silence, "these are really comfortable chairs."  
"Yes, really nice." Amber agreed. "But you know what are even better?" Amber asked, lamely trying to carry on the conversation.  
"What?" Gandalf asked, feeling like a huge idiot while the other people just stared at him.  
"Massage chairs."  
"Massage chairs?" he questioned, getting interested.  
"Yeah, you know like a massage?" Gandalf nodded in response. "Well the chairs give you a massage. They feel really good, especially if your back hurts."  
"Ohhhhh."  
"It's almost as if they can feel where it hurts."  
Gandalf's eyes widened, "Feel?"  
"Uh-huh." Amber thought dreamily about how a massage would feel really good right now.  
Gandalf looked around, eyes twitching. "Uh, Aragorn, I really don't need a chair. I'll just eat standing up."  
"Is there something wrong?" Aragorn asked, worried.  
"I do not appreciate being felt by chairs, however comfortable they are."  
"What? If they feel you now they've been feeling you for a long time." Amber replied, trying to calm Gandalf down.  
No such luck, Gandalf immediately turned, shouting, "You evil thing, you may have felt me for years, but now you shall feel my wrath!" With that he blew the chair up and repeatedly whacked the ashes with his staff.  
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k, that's all. Sorry if bit odd, it gets better. Please r&r. 


	2. The feast begins

k, ch. 2. how u liking this story? Please r&r. sorry it's taken so long for me 2 update, been busy ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* **NOTE: SADLY ENOUGH, I DON"T OWN THE PEOPLES IN LORD OF THE RINGS**

( )=author's note 

~*~*~*= change of scene or something, you get the point 

bold words= **special **~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* ok, I know this is completely irrelevant but.... EMMA LOVES ADAM...ADAM LOVES EMMA... : ) :P Yay! The happy couple. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* 

Amber frowned; she could hear sounds coming from Eomer's room. Why, oh, why had she picked this room? If she was right, Merry was probably also in the room. Oh, she thought, I just can't bear the thought of my dear, cute, little hobbit in there alone with Eomer. 

Hmmm…wait a minute, who said he had to be in there alone? 

Getting silently out of bed, Amber slipped a robe on over her nightgown, generously provided by Aragorn who had no taste whatsoever. At least it fit, she thought, looking down at her nightgown, which was orange and had many weird, discolored spots that possibly were meant to look like several pieces of armor playing tag. 

Opening the door, she checked if anyone was in the hallway, it was empty. She walked next door and knocked quietly on the door. A disheveled Eomer answered and finally let her in after she yelled at him for a long time. 

Ever heard the saying three is a crowd? Well, that is especially true if you have a single bed and three very vigorous people. And for a hobbit, Merry took up a whole lot of room. Amber continuously ended up on the floor, as did Merry and Eomer. In the end, they all moved to the floor and had a very lovely night. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* 

Try as he might Gandalf could not manage to send Amber back to her home, which might have been because he was very tired from standing all day, having renounced chairs forever. So Aragorn let her stay and help run around the palace doing nothing along with the rest of the household and the other guests to prepare for the feast. Except for Eowyn who had just gotten a new sword and was happily prancing around the halls swinging her sword and cutting up the walls and the furniture, or whichever unfortunate person happened to be in her path. 

Running busily around a palace doing nothing, especially if it is Aragorn's, is especially tiring and by the end of the week everyone was extremely tired, if not nursing many deep gashes, compliments of Lady Eowyn. 

Faramir was rather hurt that Eowyn preferred her sword to him and walked around with a sulky face and kept telling all of his troubles to anyone who would listen, in other words no one. 

Meanwhile, Gandalf's feet were beginning to ache from constantly standing up and he was starting to get tired. But, of course, instead of being like any other person and resuming sitting, Gandalf decided that he would make himself levitate in the air. Unfortunately, even the most skilled wizards make mistakes. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* 

It was the day of the great feast celebrating the destruction of the One Ring and the downfall of Sauron and everyone who had anything to do with the Fellowship or the destruction of the Ring was invited. Amazingly, considering the fact that everyone ran around doing nothing, the palace looked wonderful. The great hall was lit with a million candles, the light reflecting off of crystal chandeliers and the garden glowed with unseen radiance, kind of like Lothlorien but without the elvishness and the tall trees. 

But the creepiest thing was that the great hall and garden were quiet and calm, not what you'd expect with the guests invited to the feast. That might have been because everyone was in his/her room preparing for the feast but that's okay. Of course, there were others who were in someone else's rooms. 

Anyhow, the great hall looked great and so did the garden. In fact, they looked so wonderful and peaceful; let us take a moment of silence to honor it while it is still wonderful and peaceful. *~Moment of silence~*, and now we're done.

Meanwhile, upstairs, all the guests were busy getting ready for the feast. Eowyn, fully dressed in a loose, billowing white dress was pouting about not being allowed to bring her new sword to the feast. The only person allowed to bring a weapon was Aragorn, who kept his infamous Anduril by his side where ever he went. Faramir, however, was rather pleased since Eowyn had been ignoring him for the past week and the feast would allow them some quality time together. 

Amber cruised down the stairs to the great hall. She had on a dark green dress, which brought out her reddish-brown hair and her pale green eyes. As the servants opened the door, she was hit with a wave of loud noise. 

Despite the fact that there were some guests who had not come down yet or had not come at all, the hall was still packed. 

Most of the hobbits from the Shire had been invited and were running around sneaking food, playing tricks, shouting random things, or doing the chicken dance. Also invited were the elves of Lothlorien and the Mirkwood and several dwarves. Since there was a lovely friendship between those two species, they were having a glaring contest. Personally, Amber thought the dwarves were winning but only because all that hair made the glares more malevolent looking. 

The Riders of Rohan were standing around looking lost without their swords, as was Eowyn. Then there were the Rangers with their dark cloaks looking like a group of druggies. And, as it seems with every party, there were some uninvited guests that just wandered around. 

In the midst of all of this, Aragorn, king and ruler of Gondor and the White City who had his shiny, winged hat on his head, stood up on a chair and yelled for silence. And yelled, and yelled, and yelled. Of course, no one heard so he stopped, eventually. 

Gandalf, (who was currently hovering four feet above everyone's head, had grown funny multi-colored star shaped warts on his face, and had managed to turn his beard into long, segmented brown thingies with twitchy little feet), decided to help him get everyone's attention. After managing to set his beard on fire (which seemed to make it, or them, very angry) and yelling some loud wizard curses, he did. 

And so everyone proceeded to the dining table. Aragorn stood up and made a speech. "Ladies and gentlemen, dwarves, elves, hobbits, and others, welcome to Gondor. I as the king and ruler (note the winged hat) of Gondor, welcome you…" And then he continued on into a long, dramatic telling of the One Ring's story.  
  


An hour later, "And so have gathered here to celebrate the destruction of the Ring and the downfall of Sauron. And now, a toast to Frodo, the ringbe- " Suddenly, the doors burst open and loud footsteps echoed in the hall. Several turned around and Aragorn stared, gaping. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* That's ch.2. I finally got it up, aren't u so proud of me? I promise 2 have three up soon, I've been busy. 


	3. The Feast continues

Now ch. 3. PLEASE R&R. I need more reviews. I also need more chapters, but that's okay. 

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**A/N: (READ THIS) **Sorry if this doesn't make sense, writing little parts at various time of the month (yeah I know it's taken sooooo long) and it might not make sense (did I already say that?) but that is alright.

Guess what? I HAVE DISCOVERED THE PARENTHESES. (can ya tell) and all I can say is……….. TEEE HEEE!!!!

No, I have not had 2 much sugar, I'm just SPECIAL!!!!!!!!! *Flings arms in air and then suddenly falls off a cliff (but not for long, but not for long)*

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**Disclaimer: the peoples aren't mine, except Amber, and the setting isn't mine and the world isn't mine. BUT IT SHALL SOON BE!!!!!! **

**HAHAHAHAHAHA***laughter of a maniac (me)*

~*~*~*= change of scene or something like that

(…)= author's note ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Amber slowly turned her head around to look at the door, and gasped at the horrendous looking thing that had just entered the hall.

#^`Long moment of silence as everyone turns their heads around and look`^#

The creature opened its mouth and said…. "Old Tom Bombadil was a merry fellow. Bright blue was his jacket; his boots were yellow."

Aragorn, who was just standing there after his toast had been interrupted, dropped his cup. The crystal cup fell to the floor and broke into a million sparkling piece, splashing wine all over the floor. The wine immediately got up and ran away to the depths of Moria.

After gawking stupidly at the shattered wine glass, for about five minute, to see if it too would get up and run off, the guests slowly regained their wits. Aragorn rose to greet Bombadil and Goldberry, who had arrived just after Bombadil. And after a round of toasts to the Fellowship and the royalty, the feasting began.

Gandalf had resumed his hovering position, covered in icing and crystallized flowers, and was attempting to get food without losing his dignity, which is hard to do as you are floating four feet above everyone else and unable to reach the food.

The elves and dwarves were currently having a great time yelling insults at each other and throwing things at each other. It was on the verge of becoming a food fight and Gimli and Legolas were looking at each other worriedly while playing footsy under the table.

Amber anxiously looked for something that could distract the two groups from starting a fight, but it was too late, several elves and dwarves had already started bashing each other on the head with metal platters and the rest were throwing large chunks of food. The hobbits, extremely outraged at this waste of food, scrambled around trying to save whatever pieces of food they could get their hands on.

Looking around for the king, who was the only one who could stop this madness, Amber noticed that Aragorn and Arwen's chairs were empty. (*cough*cough*)

Soon, despite their loud protests, Gimli and Legolas were dragged into the fight too and quickly became covered with food scraps. Pretending to stab Legolas with a knife, Gimli muttered in a stage whisper, "We will settle this somewhere else." They moved to the side of the room and started getting it on behind a sofa.

Noticing this inappropriate behavior, the two groups stopped their fighting and walked over to the sofa and glared at it. After a while, a disheveled Legolas and Gimli, who is always disheveled, appeared. Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell and bustiness, and who had bread crumbs in his knotted hair (Can you not guess my opinion of Elrond?) coughed for attention and was granted instant silence as everyone thought he was about to make one of his amazing speeches (Yeah, right).

He stood in front Legolas and stated, "Legolas, this sort of behavior in unacceptable for an elf of your status, as it is for any elf at all. And in punishment for even thinking, if yet not doing, of such a horrid deed, we, the elves, denounce you forever. You are no longer a part of the elves of Middle Earth; all of you titles will be taken away. No door at Lothlorien, Rivendell, or even Mirkwood is, and ever shall be open to you. As of now, you are an outcast, unwanted. Do you understand?" Elrond finished his speech, looking as grand and busty as ever. Legolas, frightened by the angry elf lord, stammered a short 'yes'.

While everyone else was standing there amazed at the fabulous speech, Elrond whispered to Legolas, "But if you ever get lonely, just remember, I am always there and **willing**."

Gloin (whose name sounds a lot like groin) stood there and glared at Elrond, knowing he would have to outdo him. Gloin puffed his chest up to try and look taller, and opened his mouth and coughed up a hairball (HAIRY DWARVES!!). Trying again, he said, "Gimli, you have done a terrible thing. But since we are much more merciful than *some* persons, we will not condemn you or throw you out. However, you must know that you are now looked down upon for such misbehavior." At this point, all the dwarves glowered at Gimli to show their disapproval. "That is all I have to say."

Though he had not the eloquent speech of Elrond, the glowering look on the dwarves' glowering faces was enough to make everyone at the feast feel guilty and ashamed. Gimli turned a vivid shade of red and hung his head in shame. For, as you might know, the glowering of the dwarves is so powerful as to make even the guiltiest feel ten times as guilty. Every dwarf present at the feast turned and glared at Gimli so that he cowered, shaking with ashamedness on the floor. Oh, the dwarves glowered ever so hard (can you not tell by now they were glowering really hard?) they even made themselves feel ashamed. So they stopped.

The people in the room returned to their previous activities, after a long pause, and soon everyone was done with their dinner, or what was left of it, and moved to the dance floor. Bombadil went around and started making up poems for everyone, as an attempt to cheer everyone up. Somehow, it had the opposite effect.

Walking up cheerfully to Gandalf, he recited, singing and attempting the chicken dance, "Oh, a wizened wizard, who be ever so old, yet the bravest of all ever so bold! Hi ho, hiddly do! His magical powers are so very strong, and his lice ridden beard so very long! Do derry, I love Goldberry! He wears a cloth that is glaring white, he is good and evil he'll smite! Ta ra, fiddly da! He carries a knotted staff, and laughed a ragged laugh! Gee maw, smikledee haw! Wandering the land with…."

By now, Gandalf started to turn red in the face and looked ready to beat Bombadil to a pulp with his staff. And so he did.

Recovering very quickly from his beating from an angry wizard with a stick, Bombadil got up and looked for another victim for his poems.

Noticing this finally, Aragorn, the peace-loving king (who only led a few dozen battles), came and tried to stop Bombadil from getting himself killed, because many at the feast looked ready to do more than beat the crap out of him. "Bombadil," he started.

"Ah, Lord Aragorn, would thou like to have a poem made? I think I am on a roll. I could make you a very special one," he said in a singsong voice.

"Um, no thank you," Aragorn shifted uncomfortably at the hurt look on Bombadil's face, "actually, I was thinking that you should probably do something other than poems."

"Oh, but I don't know anything other than…Wait! I know! I can sing a song!"

"Uh, I guess that'd be better," Aragorn muttered, wondering what he had got himself into as he walked away to find Arwen.

Beaming like a five year old who had just found a jellybean underneath the couch (don't ask, I have no clue either), Bombadil walked onto the stage, shoving the band off. He cleared his throat loudly and announced, "By the request of the king," Everyone turned and glared at Aragorn. "I am going to sing a song."

"Sadly enough, I do not know many songs, but this, my friends, is one of my favorites and I wish to share it with you."

He took a deep breath and started, 

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.

I work all night and I work all day…"

Then he progressed to sing the whole lumberjack song, much to the horror, or delight, or everyone.

After thinking about it for a long time, Gimli suddenly realized that the song was not that hard to sing, so he decided to give it a try.

Humming softly he sang, "I'm a hairy dwarf, and I'm kinda gay.

I mine all night and sleep with Legolas all day. Hey, this is really easy!"

So Gimli got up on stage, after many attempts at shoving Bombadil off, and sang his own version of the song. Which, of course, made everyone else want to sing a song also.

Meanwhile, Aragorn, Eomer, Faramir, and many others who did not wish to sing songs about cross dressing, for fear of revealing their deepest secrets, went and drank wine. And beer. And rum. And then some more alcohol. So they got kind of drunk.

Eowyn, walking over to get a drink and save herself from singing mindless songs, looked at Aragorn (I mean, don't we all want to look at dark, tall, handsome kings) and noticed that he had a sword. A very large, sharp, shiny sword with a long legacy and a special name. And that sword, my friends, was Anduril, legendary 'sword that was broken and reforged'. Known to all as one of Middle-Earth's greatest, and most famous, weapons. And Eowyn knew, she just knew, that she had to have that sword. I mean, who wouldn't want a famous, shiny sword with its own special legendary name?

So Eowyn slowly sidled over to Aragorn, who was sitting on the sofa and getting drunk. Batting her eyelashes, she sat down in Aragorn's lap and smiled enticingly at him. In a low whisper, she muttered, "Aragorn, oh, you are just too sexy. In fact, you are too sexy for your sword," she murmured, eyeing Anduril. Aragorn, who was now very drunk and (as always) had sex on his mind, thought she was talking about his other sword (*cough*cough* Hello? Think about it!) and grinned drunkenly. Arwen, who was also fairly drunk and also thought she was talking about Aragorn's other sword, defensively said, "No he's not, I happen to—Hey! What do you know about his sword!?!" Arwen glared angrily at Eowyn, who was still eyeing Anduril. Aragorn, feeling happy because he thought that he was loved by two girls, just sat back and grinned.

Suddenly, with the grace and agility of a warrior maiden, Eowyn reached down, grabbed Aragorn's legendary sword, and ran off into the crowd that was still singing variations of the lumberjack song. And still, Aragorn just sat back, and grinned.

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**A/N: **k, that's ch. 3. how do ya like it? If u liked it, please click on the gray button and review. If you didn't like it, please click on the little gray button and review. If you hated it and think that I should burn in the depths of hell (oh, sounds like fun), please click on the little gray button below and review.


	4. Many drunk people

Yep, u guessed it. Ch. 4 is here!!!

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**A/N: **my hand hurts, I can't think of anything 2 say, and I need more reviews. K, that's all.

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**Disclaimer:** really this is stupid, and if u can't tell that I don't own nobody but Amber, then u r stupid as well, that is all

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Faramir watched sadly as Eowyn took Aragorn's sword and ran around testing it on various things, and people. He knew that she would probably wouldn't even remember who he was, so lost was she in the thrill of having such a wonderful, sharp, legendary sword. He never could keep a girl.

Oh well. Faramir sighed and walked over to join the ranks of many drunken people at the bar (Yes, @^boom^@, there is a bar), trying to drown out his sorrows with liquor.

Glancing around the room, he saw Arwen glaring daggers at Aragorn. Looks like he wasn't the only person having girl trouble.

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Aragorn and Arwen were still at the sofa, neither of them noticing that Eowyn had just stolen one of Gondor's most prized treasures. Arwen's face was flushed with anger and her glower was almost enough to equal that of a dwarf's. "What was that about your sword!?!?"

Aragorn, who had finally stopped grinning, looked up at her with his eyes wide. "I-I don't know," he responded lamely, trying to remember what the question was, only to get another angry look from her. "Well, maybe… look, I swear that I don't know. Or maybe, it might have…Wait! Hey, come back." He called after her, but it was too late. Arwen marched off, extremely pissed, to sew out her anger on her embroidery.

Sighing, Aragorn walked out to the garden to contemplate life, and nearly had his head severed by Eowyn on the way there.

In the meantime, Legolas, who was extremely depressed at having been denounced by the elves, slowly wandered his way over to the bar to for a drink, trying to avoid the insanity being spread to the people on the stage, who had switched from cross dressing songs to break dancing. 

Gulping down flute after flute of fine elvish wine, Legolas soon was wobbling around and being invited by happy bubble people to join them in flying through the clouds. Just as he was about to jump up and fly away, he bumped into someone and was knocked out of happy drunk land.

Faramir looked down at Legolas, who was flushed and looked somewhat confused and very angry. "What was that for?!" Legolas glared at the person who had knocked him out of his delusional state.

"I'm so sorry, are you alright?"

"What do you think? I just lost the chance of a lifetime!"

Legolas turned promptly around and vanished into the crowd, heading for the gardens with Faramir after immediately him, still trying to apologize. Outside, Legolas wandered pointlessly in the garden, trying to avoid the annoying repeated apologies of Faramir. Bumping into yet another person, he fell down again, cursing. He looked up to see who he had crashed into to find that he was looking upon a large shadow. Running up behind him, Faramir barely caught himself in time to stop from tripping over Legolas. Sounding slightly amused, the shadow turned his head and announced, "Looks like we have two more."

"Good, bring them," said another person from behind the shadow.

Beckoning them to follow him, (it rhymes! Kinda. Well, anyways) the shadow person led the two confused, and slightly dazed, human and elf to a small, grassy area enclosed by great aspen trees lit by a ring of torches. There were many others, sitting in a semi-circle, facing one person who seemed very lost. Both Faramir and Legolas cried out in recognition to the person. Aragorn lifted his head up and smiled drunkenly at them. Legolas, who was very drunk, ran over to the drunken king and they started hopping in circles around each other, a very hard thing to do since they are circling each other at the same time. (don't think too hard about that, I tried and believe me, it hurts)

Anyways, Faramir, who had not drank as much, well at least not as much as the other two, just stood and watched them hopping around, with a loud buzzing in his head and a strong sense of foreboding.

When Aragorn and Legolas both tripped and were currently lying in a pile on top of each other (not like that! You sick people, don't even think about it like that. Ha ha, I made you think of that didn't I?), the shadow person stepped up, holding a torch, and asked the three to sit down beside him.

Rising up, with the torch casting shadows on his face, the shadow person began to speak. In a deep voice, he started, "Welcome, my friends."

Faramir, who was looking around like a hunted animal, stared fearfully and asked, "Who are you people, and what do you want? I didn't do it, I swear. Go away."

"Do not worry, we will not hurt you, for now. We are the Ones." The shadow person looked at the three, as if trying to sum them up. Faramir was still darting nervous glances at everyone and Legolas was fiddling with the grass. Only Aragorn heard him.

"The ones? *hic* Whiss ones? Hahaha, I know."

"No! No not those ones! Thhheee Ones!!"

The person's loud shouting attracted the attention of Legolas and Faramir.

"The Ones, us, are a gang," said the person, lifting his head proudly.

Legolas and Aragorn oohed and aahed. Faramir, suddenly alarmed, jerked his head up and said "A gang?"

The cloaked man nodded.

"B-b-but gangs are bad," Faramir gasped, looking around, "you are bad people. You do bad things, and you are bad, bad people. What do you want with us? We have done nothing to you. Leave us alone. You all deserve to die!"

Faramir rushed out of the clearing and ran away. Several of the other people seemed ready to go and stop him, but the cloaked man, who looked like he was the leader, stopped them. "No, wait, we just may need him alive for later," he said, looking thoughtful. (no, they're not going to eat him)

Turning to the two remaining non-Ones, he said, "As I was saying, I am the Dark One, the leader of the Ones. We are looking for some new members and you two have been chosen."

At this, Aragorn and Legolas got up and began dancing again while chanting various things.

The Dark One gestured for them to stop, "But, first, before you can actually join us, you must complete a test. This test will ask you to give up one of your most valued possessions and by passing the test, you will prove your loyalty for the Ones. Now, who will go first?"

Both men looked very eager, and the Dark One chose Aragorn to go first.

"Now," he began, "what, King Aragorn, is your most prized possession?"

"Urrrrr, I *hic* do not believes I know. I do not believes you *hic* know it either. In facts, I think that noboby knows. But I know. Ha ha. I win! What's a possessssession? *hic* Is that like when you're a demon? Hey, hey, alls of you! Look, I'm a jelly-*hic*-bean!"

"No, not like that Aragorn. A possession is…well, what do you love the most? What would you hate to lose?"

"Well then, I *hic* love…Oh! I know! I love me *hic* winged hat!"

Not paying much attention, the Dark One suggested slowly, "What about, oh, Gondor?"

"Gonondor? W-*hic*-hat about it?"

"I was thinking, for your test, you could… give up Gondor?"

Aragorn gasped, "Geve *hic* up my country? No. Never!"

"But you must if you want to be in the gang. You do want to be in the gang don't you?" asked the Dark One, slyly.

"Oh, okay then."

"Ok, this is what you will do…"

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Later, all the Ones and Legolas followed Aragorn and the Dark One back into the hall. Aragorn wandered around pointlessly and everyone looked at him. Finally, he saw who he was looking for, Faramir. He was sitting in a corner rocking back and forth muttering about people being bad. Aragorn ran over and dragged him on stage, shoving off the break-dancers (Ladies, and gentlemen, and whatever other creatures we give you break dancing Bombadil, the pride of middle earth hehe).

"Ladies, *hic* generelmens, and others." He paused and swayed, glowering at everyone. "All, I have *hic* to say is…….. I SEE YOU *hic*! Hahahaha."

The Dark One coughed loudly and glared at Aragorn.

"Oh, yeah. I have an announthementory to make. I, Aragorn, the *hic* king of Gondor, hehe I have a shiny hat, renouncify my throne. Yes, from now and to ever and ever until the day that the mushrooms are free, the throne belongs to Farmerman." He pointed to Faramir.

Having finished his speech, Aragorn did a somersault off the stage and landed flat on his face. Then he, Legolas, and the Ones ran off.

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Back at the clearing, the Ones started the initiation ritual. Rising up, the Dark One cut Aragorn's and his palms, letting the blood drip into the torch, putting it out. Then, all the Ones stood around them in a circle and chanted something that remotely resembled a song with words that remotely sounded like a group of gerbils getting high off potato chips. And then, it was done.

Aragorn had become a One.

All the while, Legolas looked on jealously. Then, the Dark One turned to him to begin his test.

Legolas opened his mouth to scream at the giant fuzzy bookcases that were about to attack him, but the Dark One cut him off. Grinning impishly, he said, "Don't worry, elf-boy, I have the perfect test for you…"

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oh, a cliffy. Please review, I need more reviews.****


	5. We Learn About Consequences

Legolas sat up suddenly, and screamed.

And screamed some more.

And then some.

Now when an elf screams, which they don't do often or we'd all be deaf, everyone, I mean everyone, can hear it.

And so everyone did. All over the castle, people woke to the sound of a screaming elf. Humans, dwarves, elves, and other creatures (persons, things, individuals, etc.) all came out of their deep, or in most cases drunken, sleep.

Then they all fell over and covered their ears, for such is the horror of a screaming elf: they're really, Really, REALLY loud.

After a long time, Legolas finally managed to go from shrieking in extreme pain to high-pitched sobbing. Slowly, he moved his hands up to the source of the pain. Inching his fingers up his ears, he felt the smooth perfection of his beautiful ears. His hands moved up to the place where his ears arched to a point and felt his ears' flawless, beautiful tips with a long dangly earring hanging from each one.

Legolas fell over and nearly died.

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An hour later, Legolas was still rocking back and forth holding his knees, whimpering ever so often, too shocked to even think. How could such a horrendous thing have happened? His ears, the pride of his elfishness, his joy, his preciousssssssssssss. He dared at the mirror and nearly fainted from the sight that greeted him.

While Legolas was rocking back and forth contemplating this horrible piece of fate, many dark shadows crept into his room.

One of the shadows shook her head at the sad sight of the elf. She turned to an extremely dark shadow and said, "I don't know, if you do not mind me saying, oh, Dark One, I don't think it was such a good idea to let him join."

"Why ever not, Viridian? He at least deserves a chance." The Dark One replied. (don't commas look funny? I just noticed)

"Yes, but look at him, he's having a nervous breakdown 'cause he got his fucking ears pierced," she shook her head at the pitiful mess that was Legolas, "I just don't think he'll last."

"Oh, I think soon, he'll prove to be very valuable to us." The Dark One tapped his nose knowingly, which made Viridian (which is some sort of red, but I will be special and say it's a shade of dark green) wonder what he had been smoking, or injecting, or trying to shove in his ear.

"Anyways, it's the other one that you should worry about."

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Aragorn woke up to the not-so-pleasant sound of Legolas screaming, which really offset the splitting headache he had. He shouldn't have had all those uncountable number of drinks last night (this is considering that I can only count absolutely correctly up to 39, which of course is a major improvement from 20). Also, he had a feeling that he was forgetting something important.

Then, after he had thrown up last night's feast, and most of yesterday's lunch by the looks of it, he still had the feeling he was forgetting something very important. After thinking really hard for a long time and chasing his tail awhile, he still couldn't remember. So he shrugged and walked to his throne room to take care of the day's kingly business.

On the way he passed Arwen, who slapped him very hard after stabbing him repeated times with a needle (ooh, the ancient and powerful art of stabbing with a needle).

Anyways, Aragorn entered the throne room with dignified, kingly grace.

And found that Faramir was sitting in his throne.

And wearing his kingly clothes.

And, of all horrors, had on his shiny winged hat (which might have been a crown, but hats are cool too)

Walking in a very kingly way up to the throne, he declared loudly "Faramir, you traitor, you lowly vagabond, hand over my shiny hat now! Oh, and give me my throne back too."

"It's my throne now, I'm the king. You throne to me." Faramir proclaimed, caught up in a rush of kingliness.

Aragorn was outraged; he could feel the blood rushing to his head, along with whatever was left in his stomach.

"I never did such a thing, you liar! I shall cut you down along with your lies." He reached for his handy, dandy sword and found it wasn't there.

"Ha, you're lost without your legendary sword. Now get out of my sight, you lowly vagabond of a former king!"

Aragorn turned on his heel and marched out of the throne room with what he thought was a proper kingly, or former-kingly, exit.

"Oh, and put some clothes on you vagabond!" Faramir shouted after him.

Aragorn looked down at his pajamas, and was overcome with anger and hatred for Faramir. They were his favorite pair; the dancing bananas and bookcases had kept him company many nights.

Suddenly, memory struck him and he remembered what was so important. Also, very suddenly, in fact so close after the first suddenly that you could say it caused the second suddenly (which it did), he ran to a room and played a fun game of 'Hello Mr. Toilet, Want To See What I Ate Yesterday?'

Coming out of the bathroom, or what he hoped was the bathroom- it's just that most bathrooms didn't have loud screaming, flapping bed sheets, and various heavy objects being thrown at you as you was sick over a big thing that looked surprisingly bed-like -, Aragorn tried to remember to breathe. Which of course he immediately forgot to do, and so there for blacked out. Which really makes us wonder, are you supposed to twitch like that when you're blacked out?

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Legolas was still rocking back and forth and occasionally breaking out into loud sobs as the Ones assembled in a half-circle around him. Looking up, Legolas decided that along with an extremely painful pain in his ear he also was hallucinating, or did people with pierced ears usually see an assortment of people dressed in all the colors of the rainbow?

He uttered cries of surprise and pain, slowly backing up on his bed. The people- or were they pears? - didn't look particularly friendly. One of them, dressed in an assortment of very dark, almost black colors, walked up to him and smiled.

"Greetings, do you remember me, from last night?"

Legolas nodded 'yes' as he was too frightened and in too much pain to answer.

The Dark One looked at him in a worried way, "Um, exactly how much do you remember about last night?"

"Eh………arhh…" Legolas began, and ended in a loud scream of pain.

"Do you remember the feast?'

Legolas nodded slowly, bits of last night coming back to him.

"Do you remember walking out into the garden?"

Legolas smiled at the memory of the happy bubble people.

"I'll take that as a yes. Anyways, do you remember us, the Ones?"

Legolas nodded vaguely.

"Good, now do you remember the part where you joined us?"

Legolas almost died again, but it was only for a short while.

When he came back to the world of the living, Legolas found that someone was walking towards him holding a deep red bundle. Looking at it curiously, he asked, "What is that?"

"It's what you're going to wear," Viridian snapped icily.

"Cool, I get a costume?"

"It's not a costume, fool. It is who you are."

"I'm a pile of clothing?"

"No. You're Burgundy."

"No, that cloak is burgundy. I am L—" She cut him off, extremely pissed.

"**_I know that_**_._"__

Legolas whimpered in fright and looked for a big rock he could hide under. Unfortunately, whoever has decorated this guest room was very uninformed about the usefulness of giant rocks.

Luckily for Legolas, Viridian took a deep breath and calmed down. After a moment's reflection, she decided not to kill him in a painful and bloody way. She was only going to sneak up on him in the night and unman him. (*evil grin*)

Taking more deep breathes, she finally managed to say in a normal voice, "I know that you aren't burgundy. But here in the Ones, we do not refer to each other by names. You shall be known as Burgundy from now on. _Understand?_"

Legolas nodded shakily.

"Good, now put you clothes on, we have other things to do." Viridian turned and walked towards a man wearing light blue clothes and a very amused look on his face.

"And what is so funny, Copen?"

"Nothing, just surprised you were able to have a conversation with the new recruit without cussing him out or killing him."

Glaring at Legolas through narrowed eyes, she said, "We'll see," and smiled evilly.

"In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're rather fond of him." He flinched, really to be slapped or stabbed repeatedly with something sharp. To his surprise, Viridian just walked off calmly and joined the search for Aragorn.

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Aragorn slowly regained conscious as icy cold water was poured on his head and woke to the sight of Legolas grinning stupidly down at him.

"Hi, Aragorn!"

"Hi…"mumbled Aragorn, still feeling sick.

"Guess what! We joined a gang!"

"I know."

"Why are you so unhappy? I mean, we get costumes, and new names, and stuff."

"Oh, really?" Aragorn closed his eyes and wished he had the energy to punch Legolas.

Legolas ignored his bad mood and threw Aragorn his clothes, which were a sickly color of orange.

"Yeah, and you get to be Orange."

"Can't I be a peach or something?"

Legolas laughed. "No silly, we call each other by colors instead of names. I'm Burgundy and you're Orange."

With his eyes still closed, Aragorn asked, "Just Orange?"

"Yeah, Orange."

"Why do you get to be Burgundy and I'm stuck with Orange?"

Legolas thought a bit, "Well, I guess, there aren't really that many kinds of orange, there's just orange and more orange, you can't really make up names for it. Anyways, come on, try your clothes on."

Aragorn opened his eyes, looked at the bundle on his chest, and immediately threw up.

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While Aragorn and Legolas were having their first experiences of gang life, Gandalf and most of the other guests found themselves in the great hall and in very odd situations. Gandalf woke to find that he was wearing some sort of large fur that smelled distinctly of the waste products of an extremely large rodent. Well, at least he was nowhere near a chair; he didn't trust them not to take advantage of him in such a vulnerable, and oddly clothed, state. Noticing that Tom Bombadil was closest to him, he asked Bombadil to help him try and find his clothes and staff. Unfortunately, that also meant listening to him talk.

"Oh Merry dol! Derry dol! What a wonderful feast that was last night, eh, Gandalf?"

"Uh, yeah, could you just help me find my clothes?"

"Oh, certainly. Funnel dee, tunnel see! Oh, I love Goldberry!"

"Right…"

"Ah, what fun I had last night. It was so great to see everyone singing and dancing together. Such brotherly love! Such merriment!"

"Uh huh, yeah. Now, about finding my clothes—"

"I mean, hiddle do, diddle wo, if everyone did that all the time, we'd all be so happy."

Gandalf's hands were trembling as he tried to keep from strangling Bombadil.

"I mean, I do it all the time and look at me."

"_BOMBADIL…PLEASE…SHUT.—"_

"Janno cor, spanno lor! Hey! There's your staff!"

Gandalf sighed, relaxing just a bit.

Bombadil reached Gandalf's staff, which was lying in a pile of matches and other things made of wood (someone's a pyro). Picking it up, he said, "Anyways, I just think that if people took the time to read some poems or making fun rhymes—"

Right then, there was a blinding flash.

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TO BE CONTINUED…

In ch.6 –Where Everyone Rhymes

In which everyone rhymes and we all die

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Yay! I finally got ch.5 up. So happy. Sorry I haven't written in such a long time, I know you all missed me. T he.

Yep, I've been reading Terry Pratchet (you should 2). I have learned much in the art of sarcastic writing. Can't ya tell?

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by the way: REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!****


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